Falwell in Limbo

Falwell Says ‘Misunderstanding’ Keeping Him out of Heaven — For Now

Conservative Christian leader still confident about receiving eternal reward

ALMOST HEAVEN, W. Va. (AP) — The Rev. Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority and a scourge to liberals, sodomites, unbelievers and the damned of all stripes, said Tuesday his death came quickly and without suffering but expressed impatience with a “misunderstanding” he said was delaying his expected speedy admission into the eternal company of the Lord.

“Jesus gathered me to his bosom, from right there in my office,” a still ashen-faced Falwell said in a hastily called press conference after his lifeless but still bulky form was discovered at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va.. “It was painless, really, and as usual I felt well prepared to meet my Maker — in fact, I popped a Tic-Tac as soon as I started to feel my end was near.”

But Falwell said despite his fresh breath and a lifetime of chastising the ungodly, his expected quick admission to Paradise had met with an unanticipated, and unwelcome, delay.

“I can’t think of anyone more qualified to bask in the eternal light, the everlasting warmth of Our Lord Jesus Christ,” Falwell said. “I can’t think of anyone who was a more humble servant in the cause of the Almighty. Why God himself wasn’t at the front door to welcome me I can’t say.”

Instead, Falwell said, he was forced to stand in line “for an indeterminate time” with others among the recently dead also seeking admission to Heaven. The crowd included “obvious gays and lesbians” as well as “miscellaneous famine, flood and war victims” and many who appeared poor and homeless, Falwell said.

“Jesus talked about doing right by ‘the least of these,’ but a lot of those people are fit for nothing else than slow roasting in the unquenchable fires of Hell — for the lice if for no other reason,” he added. He said he intended to approach God or lesser Heaven officials to discuss expedited entry for well-qualified applicants such as himself.

The minister, whose sonorous sermonizing and fiery fulminations will no longer thunder through Lynchburg’s massive Thomas Road Baptist Church except on tape and DVD, said he was particularly incensed to find himself queued up behind “hip-hop fans, humanists, atheist lawyers, liberals, agnostics and ACLU riff-raff.” He said many of “questionable beliefs” were admitted into the Lord’s presence even after acknowledging in entry interviews that they enjoyed sex on television or in person and had worked to keep Christian prayer out of U.S. public schools.

“I don’t get it,” Falwell said. “Perhaps this is a celestial prank, a misunderstanding or a test of some kind. More likely, the hand of Satan is at work, right here at the very threshold of my eternal reward.” If Satan is not involved, Falwell said, “this is not making a lot of sense to me.”

The late minister reported he ultimately grew tired of waiting for an expeditious entry to Heaven and is now seeking temporary lodging elsewhere until the admissions backlog clears up. One result, Falwell said, is that a planned “Rev. Jerry Falwell: In Heaven and Loving It” day scheduled to be celebrated both in Heaven and on Earth has been postponed.

“We’ll reschedule,” Falwell said. “Sooner rather than later — as soon as the Lord gives me what’s coming to me.”

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8 Replies to “Falwell in Limbo”

  1. I saw Falwell had expired and immediately tuned in the Infospigot,only to find there was already an entry on the subject. I believe there is a God and that He/She/It is Good. It might have been a little more poetic if, at the time of expiration, the reverend had been standing in the path a house-sized meteorite.

  2. Update, please? This is what I hate about the media. They give you a splashy headline and story, and then never follow-up….

  3. Pete, officials in Heaven remain tight-lipped about the processing of Falwell’s application. However, sources say the the Lord God Jehovah himself is reviewing the late minister’s “final disposition.” A Falwell spokesman says the recently departed conservative activist remains optimistic that “he will soon be sitting at the right hand of the Lord.” The spokesman concedes that confusion has arisen over whether “right hand of the Lord” means “the Lord’s right or our right as we gaze upon Him on His Throne.”

  4. Falwell arrives at the gates of heaven to find that St. Peter is a 20′ tall, purple (i.e. gay) teletubby with a red purse. He allows the reverend into heaven because he just is not a very malevolent saint.
    Yes, there was a Judge Crater in NYC who went missing in the twenties or thirties. Word is he was on the mob payroll and was murdered for for crossing them. He was never found. There was a story recently that he was buried on the site of the New York City aquarium on Coney Island. Below is a link about judge Crater. Whadaya’ reckon Reverend Falwell knows the whereabouts of the judge?

  5. …Reminds me of the joke about the newly arrived inhabitant of heaven who is being shown around by one of the angels. After introducing him to the Catholics, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Methodists, the Jews (the list goes on), the angel finally says, “We’re about to see the Baptists now. But be very quiet — they think they’re the only ones up here.”

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