Holiday Gift Guide

As “the holidays” approach, nothing is more important than reflecting on the Value of Giving. Well, sure, there are a few things more important. But for once, reflect on the VoG.

Done? Good. Now back to watching Monday Night Football and, during commercial breaks, figuring out what you might give to those deserving few–people who after this year will rather get nothing than whatever it is you might give.

2006 Official RNC Calendar

Caption: “Fellas, let me tell y’all about My Pet Goat.

Price: $25. Be able to answer, “Yes, sir!” when the Commander-in-Chief asks, “You know what day it is? You got one of them things with the dates and months on it?” Comes complete with graph paper to chart falling presidential approval ratings, rising casualty tolls in Iraq or free-form Oval Office-style doodling. Quantity limited!

W Jersey

Bushjersey

Price: $39.95 (XXL: $42.95). Replete with the mystic neo-Masonic symbolism of the Bush White House — “What in the world do all them symbols stand for?” — The George W. Bush Online Store’s always-appropriate jersey comes in a 50% cotton/50% petroleum blend in a dark color with writing and ciphering in a lighter color. Included: Our exclusive 47-page guide, “Interpreting the Bush Jersey: An Adventure in Letters and Numbers.” And if you act now, we’ll include free our recent Bush-inspired tome, “More Than Just A Twisted, Hard-Baked Piece of Dough: Eleven Pretzels That Changed History.”

Nut Twister

Nuttwister

Price: $24.95-$26.95. This implement from famed implement maker William Bounds is designed to reduce nutmeg to a fine, nog-friendly powder (please ingest responsibly). But, as its name suggests, it could have many other uses, and that’s why a cargo container full of them is headed for Gitmo right now.

Lurid Green Peeps/ Peeps Xmas Tree Ornaments

Peepstree Peepsornaments

Price: Varies. After singlehandedly eating a nine-pack of Lurid Green Peeps — they’re actually very healthful — it struck me what a great gift they’d make. Further investigation shows that the Marshmallow Peeps website, which sells Peeps gewgaws but apparently no Peeps, contains a number of craft projects and recipes designed to fill your home with merriment and holiday fun and urgent demands to know why the *&^% all the ants in the *&%$ county want to get at the Christmas tree.

Serenity: New Bad Girl in Town

Serenity

Price: $7.97. New from Buzz Dixon–screenwriting genius behind cartoon classics like “The Transformers: Carnage in C-Minor” and “G.I. Joe: Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep”–“Serenity” is billed as “America’s Premier Inspirational Manga.” To quote the synopsis: “Meet Serenity, a lonely teen from a broken family who just wants to be accepted–but who tends to lash out at others with anger and obnoxious sarcasm. At her new school, the Christian prayer group takes Serenity on as a ‘project,’ showing her friendship and love. . .but will even that be enough to crack her hard shell?” Our answer: You bet! Just as soon as she’s gotten together with Skip, hunky president of the high school hunting club, and used her sarcastic wiles to to get him to spray the prayer group with a holy hail of Second Amendment-protected rifle fire.

Sand, Stone and Gravel Review

Gravelreview

Price: $48/year for members of the National Stone, Sand and Gravel Association; $65/year for nonmembers. If a friend or loved one is given to frequent gravel-related reveries, you can consider (for them and/or yourself) Prozac, shock therapy, estrangement or this colorful magazine. Unofficially known by stone, sand and gravel insiders as the Unofficial Stone, Sand and Gravel Bible, this bimonthly journal highlights industry activities, tips, tricks, home remedies, trading cards (collect ’em all), and stone, sand and gravel personals. Order by Xmas and get a free one-year membership in the NSSGA Gravel Club: An 8-ounce sample of one of the world’s finest and rarest gravels, enclosed in a collector-quality resealable bag, shipped every month.

Sphincterine

Sphincterine

Price: $6 for a half-dozen minty-fresh towelettes. And while you’re at it, don’t forget the Rearasil ($6.98 a bar; “say goodbye to acne, backne, and crackne”). For more in the same vein, check out the PoopReport Gift Guide 2005.

And added by popular demand:

Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big?

Assgum

Price: About $1.35. Available online here, here, and from fine retailers nationwide (see the “where to buy” directory at Blue Q, creator of Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big? and many other fine products, including George Bush’s Dumbass Head on a String air freshener, Boss Lady body wash, Tainted Love soap, and How About a Nice Big Pack of Shut the Hell Up gum).

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6 Replies to “Holiday Gift Guide”

  1. Oh, man! That was righteous. Not to be confused with riotous. But, come to think of it, it was riotous, too. You should have your own late night talk show.
    Hey, since when did Peeps diverge from just Easter candy. And, why did it take them so long.

  2. Q: Has anyone tried Peeps in hot chocolate? It just struck me what a natural that would be – well, not exactly *natural,* perhaps, but quite a combo.
    And, speaking of soap gifts, I just have to share a memory from my days selling men’s cologne and shave stuff.
    The Aramis rep convinced a guy to add a soap-on-a-rope (v. popular gift item, btw) to his cologne purchase by telling him it would change his showering experience. Evidently it did – and more than even she imagined. He returned to let her know he did love it; except for washing from the waist down – what with the soap hanging chest-high.

  3. My man “Dubya”….each and every month. 25 bucks…a bargain at half the price!
    That nut twister looks like just the ticket for April 15.

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