Crime+Fashion=Fashion Crime

Dedicated to bringing our dozens of readers only the highest-quality deep insights into the workings of the Tour de France (or TOURdafrance, as Frankie Andreu likes to say), we turn now to podium fashions. Specifically, the migraine-inducing outfits sported by the models condemned to presenting the daily trophy knick-knacks to the leader of the King of the Mountain competition. As the whole world knows, the KOM leader wears a red-on-white polka-dot jersey. Here’s renowned Tour non-winner Michael Rasmussen, without the jersey …

… and with it:

We’d start our fashion advice to Michael with an urgent plea for god’s sake keep your shirt on. But he’s not the focus of today’s essay. No, it’s the apparition below we want to address.

Yes, the model is comely as all get out. She almost pulls it off, even with the thing that’s been stuck to her head. But in the world of high cycling fashion, as in the world of cycling, almost doesn’t cut it. Why? Let’s face it, outside a measles ward or a drunken company picnic, polka dots are always a tough look to carry off. But even if the mass of red spots doesn’t put you off, the lady cummerbund tied in a flouncy red bow and the parachute-style skirt should. Maybe you can only appreciate this work of fashion after seeing the podium models trying to manage it in a 20 mph wind. After watching the presentations this year, we theorize that the women presenting the King of the Mountain tchotchkes are guilty of something–maybe shop-lifting from Carrefour, the store chain that sponsors the KOM competition–and this is their punishment.

[Note: All three pictures here were uncredited and are used without permission. In order from top to bottom, they were found here, here, and here.]