OK–it’s a story in The Onion, so remember: It’s not real. But it is pretty funny:
“Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer to Rematch”
“I can’t deny that cancer got a piece of me last time,” Armstrong said. “A big piece of me. I think about it every day. But once I got done with cancer, it was nowhere to be found. It disappeared. Well, cancer, you know where to find me. I can beat you again in six—no, in three months.”
“I want cancer,” Armstrong added. “I want cancer so bad I can almost taste it.”
Cancer, the much-feared disease that has defeated legendary athletes such as Floyd Patterson, Lyle Alzado, and Walter Payton, is the second-leading cause of death in the United States, and is 0-1 when battling Lance Armstrong.
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Are the AP guys tired of The Onion getting all the yucks:
Deer’s head gets stuck in fake pumpkin
By JAMES PRICHARD, Associated Press Writer
CASCADE TOWNSHIP, Mich. – A plastic jack-o’-lantern meant for collecting Halloween candy is threatening the life of a small, immature deer that calls a gated community home.
The fake pumpkin has been stuck on the animal’s snout for at least several days. It hangs there like an orange-and-black feed bag from its thin handle, which appears to be snagged on the young buck’s ears or horn buds.
Ironically, the container that resembles a feed bag and is intended to hold children’s treats is instead keeping the animal from eating. It also looks as if the plastic pumpkin prevents the deer from drinking….