Today’s Top News

OK–it’s a story in The Onion, so remember: It’s not real. But it is pretty funny:

Over-Competitive Lance Armstrong Challenges Cancer to Rematch

“I can’t deny that cancer got a piece of me last time,” Armstrong said. “A big piece of me. I think about it every day. But once I got done with cancer, it was nowhere to be found. It disappeared. Well, cancer, you know where to find me. I can beat you again in six—no, in three months.”

“I want cancer,” Armstrong added. “I want cancer so bad I can almost taste it.”

Cancer, the much-feared disease that has defeated legendary athletes such as Floyd Patterson, Lyle Alzado, and Walter Payton, is the second-leading cause of death in the United States, and is 0-1 when battling Lance Armstrong.

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