A special message to the tiny sliver of humanity that reaches this dust-bunny-ridden corner of the World Wide Web: condensation trails aren’t what you think they are. For months, I’ve seen the mysterious stickers up all over town referring to "chemtrails." Probably some sort of conspiracy crap, right? But it wasn’t until I heard people talking about them at last week’s peace vigil and subdued hootenanny that I did what one of the stickers suggested and Googled "chemtrails." You should be glad I did — if it’s not too late.
You think condensation trails are … condensation trails. Caused by the near instantaneous freezing of water vapor in aircraft exhaust at high altitude. You might call them contrails for short.
But whatever nifty terminology you use, if you believe that they are just the product of some sort of garden-variety jet exhaust and cold air, then you’re just a patsy for a huge government conspiracy.
Open your eyes! "Contrails," my … you know … bum! They’re really chemtrails. An evil, or at least unwholesome, rain unleashed by whoever unleashes things like that. The United States government, for sure. Could be the United Nations. And United Airlines is probably getting a piece of the action — getting secret payments to use their harmless-looking though increasingly unpleasant-to-ride-in airliners as long-distance crop dusters. We can only guess who else. (Can I get odds on Satan?)
And what’s the crop. We are? Capacity for independent thought immobilized by the vapors wafting down from on high. Or maybe the effect is physical. No one seems to know. Yet.